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Oil Change instructions for Women:
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> the last oil change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
> maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent: Oil Change $ 30.00
>
> Coffee $1.00
>
> Total $31.00
>
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for Men:
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
> oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
> check for $50.00.
>
> 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
> drive home.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
> process. Cuss.
>
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> filter and twist off.
>
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
> trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
> oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
>
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
> Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
> in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to
> recycle.
>
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
> to gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
> along with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
> dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
> patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug
> in lawnmower
gas.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
> (1992) in the left boob.
>
> 36) Beer.
>
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
> blood flow.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Beer.
>
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41) Beer.
>
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> during steps 23 - 43.
>
> 45) Beer.
>
> 46) Test drive car.
>
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>
> 48) Car gets impounded.
>
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent: Parts $50.00
>
> DUI $2500.00
>
> Impound fee $75.00
>
> Bail $1500.00
>
> Beer $40.00
>
> Total: $4165.00
>
> But you know the job was done right.
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