I got this today from Stan Kegel's Profusion of Puns and Gaggle

of Groaners. If interested you can subscribe by e-mailing

kegel@fea.net

This may have appeared here before but if so it was more than 2

years ago and board turnover and forgetfulness will hopefully

justify its repetition.

From: The Punk With The Stutter

Viat: HUMOR Digest

Subject: The Real Definition of Tools

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as

a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object

we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons

delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes

containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you

die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in

fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It

transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the

more you attempt to influence it's course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can

also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your

garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum

you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are

now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've

been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar

stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings

your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted

part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and

hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed

your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under

the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:

Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS:

A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE:

Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

GASKET SCRAPER:

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used

mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any

known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT:

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and

brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

1/2" x 16"-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately

machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:

A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the

inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a

doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT:

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is

a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not

otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its

main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate

that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few

hours of the Battles of the Bulge. More often dark than light, it's name

is some-what misleading. (See the website on "dark suckers")

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and

splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as name implies, to round

off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200

miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to

a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years

ago by someone and rounds them off.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you

needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.