A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

--
Don Foster (near Cape Cod, MA)

Ha-Ha, Foster! You're it.

Who can top your bottomless underground spring of superficial wit?
--
1989 740Ti 1986 240DL 1984 244GL

It's merely a shift of wit.

Is that the difference between manure and humor? One is a shift of wit and the other is a wiff of sh--.
--
93-940T + 91-940SE + 87-740GLE = One Happy Volvo Garage!

"Is that the difference between manure and humor?"

Exactly, although they're often easy to confuse (particularly mine). But while you sometimes must explain humor, manure needs no explanation. Thus, one should never be compelled to ask, "Whose humor do I smell?"

And you thought I was a smart feller when, in fact, I'm a fart smeller.

--
Don Foster (near Cape Cod, MA)

Thats all very punny.
--
David Hunter

....to respond to a stiff post such as yours...?

A cannibal passed his friend in the jungle?



--
www.fidalgo.net/~brook4

"A cannibal passed his friend in the jungle?"

He obviously didn't know squat.

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you
   can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
   
   
   
   
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
   behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
   two weevils.
   
   
   
   
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the
   man who shot my paw."
   
   
   
   
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over
   the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny
   hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the
   hollandaise."
   
   
   
   
5. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no
   charge."
   
   
   
   
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend
   dental medication.
   
   
   
   
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
   tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
   "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
   
   
   
   
8. A doctor made it his regular bit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his
   habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of he work day
   approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together
   a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
   and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied
   the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
   
   
   
   
9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was
   sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the
   man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
   
   
   
   
10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least
    one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
    
    
    
    
11. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a
    wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's
    very simple. You're two tents."
    
    
    
    
12. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."
    The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
    responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
    

Seated at the dinner table, yellow Yukon potatoes were served. JR 3 spoke up "I don't think I want to go to college in Connecticut. I like white potatoes better".

potatoes?

wait until he discovers girls come in colors too...

or is JR3 a daughter?...in that case don't tell her anything about the French variety...
--
www.fidalgo.net/~brook4

"...yellow Yukon potatoes...don't think I want to go to college in Connecticut. I like white potatoes better..."

Paul, don't you just hate it when someone storrs up these stupid puns and then drops 'em on you? And you think he's a mystic?

I guess ya gotta be from New England to appreciate Ed's perversions.....

The BB must be a new haven for him.

--
Don Foster (near Cape Cod, MA)

"I guess ya gotta be from New England to appreciate Ed's perversions.....

The BB must be a new haven for him."

Unless he lives further-er to the East where those Uconn's would be St'haven off his hunger.
--
1989 740Ti 1986 240DL 1984 244GL

They should drag you away and lock you up for stuff like that.

....was a SMALL medium at large
++++++++++++++++++++

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at
the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma
hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the
girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said,
"my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
++++++++++++++

Genetic Engineering

There was once a veterinarian who loved to hack gene sequences.

One day he successfully grafted pieces of cantaloup DNA to the DNA of a dog zygote. The engineered zygote soon developed into a little puppy.

The result was far less dramatic than one might expect. The animal was recognizably canine, if tiny and roly poly. Its fur had an overall orange tint.

The vet raised the puppy to adulthood and all was generally fine, though the animal was rather small and rotund.

The veterinarian noticed that his dog was becoming lethargic and increasingly morose. Being concerned with the animal's overall health and mental well-being, the vet tried many things to cure his dog's apparent depression.

After all, he felt guilty that its growing languishment could be the direct result of his genetic experimentation.

He tried altering the animal's diet, its exercise, and its play, but nothing seemed to help.

Finally he took the dog to an animal psychiatrist.

The vet sat in the waiting room while the orange tinted dog was in with the animal counselor.

Finally the door opened, and the veterinarian rose to his feet. The psychiatrist came out with the dog.

"Tell me, Doctor. What's wrong? Is my dog going to be okay?"

"Don't worry, Doctor. He'll be fine. He's just a little melon collie."


--
George Downs, The "original" Walrus3, Bartlesville, Oklahoma

Are you fermenting beach plums in your spare time? Remember fondly jam/jelly from Cape, got there as a young'in for a week or two coupla times.

Local yokel gave me free "prune" plums to exp. with, wine has lovely magenta color and smell but is young. Patience, patience.

Could use it to klean parts on g.friend's projekt kar if all else fails....

Sante,

Frank

What did you do? All Volvos in perfect condition or drink some of that old alcohol coolant we used in the past?

Keep it up!!

dick
--
93-940T + 91-940SE + 87-740GLE = One Happy Volvo Garage!