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You might need to connect your ECU to Micro$oft for upgrade to $ervice Pack V90.197.4.6a, but only after your car verifies its license status and only after you pay your non-refundable 30-second one-time-only $ervice $ubscription fee.
What, you say you can't connect? Perhaps you forgot to pay your non-refundable one-time-only $ervice connection fee.
What, you say you have no idea what I'm talking about? Learn all about it on their Web site once you pay your non-refundable one-time-only $ervice education tuition fee.
What, you say you tried but it didn't work? Clearly, you need to download Micro$oft's special Windows (NOT Linux) $ervice education $oftware $uite. You guessed it, a non-refundable one-time-only $oftware licen$ing fee.
What, you need the companion textbook to understand how to connect your V90? No problem, you can download it in PFE format once you $ubscribe. No, not PDF -- that would be free. This is PFE, which stands for "Pretty F***ing Expen$ive," and is Micro$oft's preferred proprietary format. Mr. Ballmer thinks it's the best. For Micro$oft, that is. Keep in mind that you must send Micro$oft a "reading fee" each time you open the $aved file.
Next on Micro$oft's list is a driving fee. The new V90 operating system will include a card reader next to the ignition switch. Every time you insert the key to start your car, you must first swipe your credit card. This sends a small token fee directly to those fine folks at Micro$oft.
They may also be discussing a "braking fee," but I doubt the DOT will permit that. It takes too long to swipe your credit card before you slam on the brakes. Perhaps Micro$oft will buy the DOT to eliminate that minor obstacle.
I have no doubt that they'll also monitor your car's speed, miles, fuel consumption, number of corners turned, and so on. Any time that you exceed expected (maybe average) parameters, Micro$oft will asses you a token "operating consumption fee."
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Don Foster (near Cape Cod, MA)
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