Funniest phrase EVER: "sounds like a robot screaming into a megaphone"

Man, that's TOO funny! My coworkers were wondering what happened, as I don't usually laugh out loud. At work, anyway.

I dynoed my Volvo several weeks ago. I'd like to say that it was a good learning experience, but to be honest... well... mostly it was just cool to stand and listen to the thing at 7000rpms. Not $100 worth of cool, but still pretty cool.

Here's what I'd say (not that anyone asked, and not that I know anything about dyno testing): BEFORE you take the car to a dyno, talk to someone who's done lots of dyno testing and get them to tell you what to do in preparation, what to bring along for tuning, what questions you'll want to ask, what arrangements you'll want to make, that kind of thing. Talk to the dyno operator in advance and make sure he or she has an IQ greater than his or her shoe size; find out exactly what information they'll provide at the end of your dyno session.

Otherwise, you'll do what I did. Go to the dyno, watch someone else rev your engine to redline 18 or 20 times. Ask to watch the computer monitor. Be denied. Ask if you'll have a chance to make adjustments to the carb or the timing. Be denied. Ask if they wouldn't mind maybe not dragging your exhaust across the rollers. Be ignored.

Finish the session. Receive a printout that indicates that your engine won't rev over 5700rpms even though you personally watched the tach pass 7000rpms more than a dozen times, and then learn that you're running an a/f ratio of 19.5:1. Never mind that you lay a thick smokescreen of unburned fuel whenever you step on the pedal; never mind that your exhaust smells too rich all the time; never mind that your plugs are sooty and indicating an overly rich mixture. Never mind the O2 monitor on your dashboard. (Never mind that I'm running similar jetting to other similar cars and their fuel mix is around 12:1.

For less than the price of 2 dyno sessions you can own a basic G-tech. For the price of 3 or 4 dyno sessions you can own the fancy schmancy newfangled G-Tech with lots more features than the basic one.

You don't 'take the car to the dyno.' You 'start a long expensive program of taking your car to a series of sessions on the dyno, each of which may or may not offer any useful information.'

What I learned at the dyno is that the guys who run it are meatheads, that I can't rely on or believe much/most/any of the information they did provide, and that my car is running so lean that it's on the verge of breaking the laws of physics.

Don't worry about what the dyno sez. Heck: don't BELIEVE what it says, either. Just enjoy driving the car.

Best,

Cameron
Rose City